Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
