i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
