I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
