The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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