I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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