Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Michael Bay diarrhea
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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