I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
