The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
