She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
