you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
