I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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