My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
