he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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