There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
