i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
