The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
