Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
