the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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