Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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