He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
