the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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