I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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