Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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