I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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