you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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