He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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