new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
