the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I am never drinking with the goths again.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
