Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
