Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
