the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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