Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
