the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
