someone owes me an orgasm
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
