New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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