i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
