I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
