I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
