My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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