Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
