Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
