Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
