I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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