Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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