the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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