he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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