duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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