There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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