For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
