I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
