I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
