my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
